Love Pt. 1

I believe that there is a purpose for everything that occurs in life. This includes the people you meet, the relationships developed and the consequent reality that is created from these occurrences. It is funny that no matter how hard you may try to direct your life, the universe has its own way of distorting and reshaping whatever you may have believed to be real and true. I hate to always bring it back to love but since God is love, it ultimately is the beginning and the end of everything. So with that being said, I try to interrogate deeply what I see and feel love to be. The feelings that I posses towards someone in particular baffle all logical reasoning possible. Factually speaking, even the notion of letting go is impossible at this point. I discuss with my friends how I could never fall back for this person and how stupid I would be to ever even contemplate the notion of loving them again. I speak with confidence and a hint of arrogance in order to convince them that my words are concrete. But to myself, I cry. I don't know the exact reason I cry, but I do. If no one is around to see the tear fall, did it ever really exist? I say no, with hopes of refuting the idea of being trapped within the confines of loving that person. But in reality, it actually fell--more than once.

So now, I must face this predicament that seems to be inescapable. I am rejoicing and at the same time hurting. I am entangled in a web of words unsaid. I want so bad for them to share and know that I am here and how I have been here and how it looks as though I will never leave. Pathetically written, yet proudly spoken. I am in love with their love. As many times as I have tried to combat that statement with empty phrases of strength--I am weak. Their words make me melt and their seemingly genuine intentions penetrate the depths of my heart. I am lost within the maze of an unexpected heart gone mad. There are so many things I must say, because this state of utter helplessness in completely unacceptable, yet the peace of the moment won't allow me to interrupt.

Observation as an unbiased spectator would leave me sympathetic. Fortunately, this is my moment. I am here living, breathing, experiencing this, you and us. I both love and hate this love, yet I am captivated by possibility. I am living guarded but loving freely. Bystanders may have dream deferring advice but I am listening inaudibly because they are not within this. As I find my way I am making mistakes yet learning slowly. And I understand all of this to be okay, because reality is created daily so why can't I assist in the process?