Love Pt. 1

I believe that there is a purpose for everything that occurs in life. This includes the people you meet, the relationships developed and the consequent reality that is created from these occurrences. It is funny that no matter how hard you may try to direct your life, the universe has its own way of distorting and reshaping whatever you may have believed to be real and true. I hate to always bring it back to love but since God is love, it ultimately is the beginning and the end of everything. So with that being said, I try to interrogate deeply what I see and feel love to be. The feelings that I posses towards someone in particular baffle all logical reasoning possible. Factually speaking, even the notion of letting go is impossible at this point. I discuss with my friends how I could never fall back for this person and how stupid I would be to ever even contemplate the notion of loving them again. I speak with confidence and a hint of arrogance in order to convince them that my words are concrete. But to myself, I cry. I don't know the exact reason I cry, but I do. If no one is around to see the tear fall, did it ever really exist? I say no, with hopes of refuting the idea of being trapped within the confines of loving that person. But in reality, it actually fell--more than once.

So now, I must face this predicament that seems to be inescapable. I am rejoicing and at the same time hurting. I am entangled in a web of words unsaid. I want so bad for them to share and know that I am here and how I have been here and how it looks as though I will never leave. Pathetically written, yet proudly spoken. I am in love with their love. As many times as I have tried to combat that statement with empty phrases of strength--I am weak. Their words make me melt and their seemingly genuine intentions penetrate the depths of my heart. I am lost within the maze of an unexpected heart gone mad. There are so many things I must say, because this state of utter helplessness in completely unacceptable, yet the peace of the moment won't allow me to interrupt.

Observation as an unbiased spectator would leave me sympathetic. Fortunately, this is my moment. I am here living, breathing, experiencing this, you and us. I both love and hate this love, yet I am captivated by possibility. I am living guarded but loving freely. Bystanders may have dream deferring advice but I am listening inaudibly because they are not within this. As I find my way I am making mistakes yet learning slowly. And I understand all of this to be okay, because reality is created daily so why can't I assist in the process?

It's Looking So Far...

See There's This Guy...

I usually start off with

"See there's this guy"

just to soften the blow

or make it a little more relaxed

And then I go on and on

like he is absolutely amazing

And you won't believe how

perfect he is for me

Then I began to describe

all the sweet things you do

How you make me feel

like I'm all you see

That I'm your one and only

and you could never picture yourself with another

But by then I have to

ambiguously use "they"

because "he" no longer feels right

Lying to myself and whoever

by classifying you to the ultimate right

But how could I when I love that

we are so far left

So I say how "they" tell me "they"

love me every time I need it

And how "they" make me feel like

I can do absolutely anything

Then how "they" gave me flowers

and I could have melted right there

Of course after so long

this "they" gets so confusing

Like of course its a "they"

because you are everything to me

and "they" fits perfectly

because I love all of you

even though its just a you

But you have to understand

that in order for them to "get it"

I must once again categorize

this love that belongs to no category

So for our sake

this what I must do

I want them to understand

that this really is a love like no other

And you complete every part of me

What I tried to hide--you found

And the complication of us

is now beautifully understood

by both you and I

So now how can I be so contradictory

because it's you that I love

No "he" could ever suffice

and your much too unique and

intricately designed to ever be

looked over as some "they"

I'm captured by your intelligence

Your strength defies earthly concepts

And clearly the world has stopped

and universe has turned completely

Because your beauty is without

verbal naming

I can only help but be in

amazement and awe

When I describe what and who you are

Only to me

Proudly mesmerized

I turn to them and finally say

"That's her"

Just Wondering

The reality of breaking ties and letting go remained constant and tediously repetitive today. Usually humans are plagued with memories that seem to incessantly haunt thought and consequent actions. When is the moment when unconscious desires finally fade into nothing? Then again, they say nothing lasts forever...so if that be so--Will you be my nothing?

Know It!! Before U Speak It

Stayceyann Chin "Feminist or a Womanist"

Refreshingly Old

I have been in an interesting mood lately. Recently, I discovered Pandora (late, i know) and have fallen in love with a particular style. The entire jazz/blues genre has enveloped my spirit and is drowning me in melodic rhythms never before felt. I've always loved Billie Holiday and Charlie Parker but never imagined falling so hard for a style that seems to have been forgotten amongst this generation of hip-hop and r&b. I am not at all abandoning those which have been my solace for years, but with growth and maturity I can no longer deny my craving for something more. Simplistic yet filled with complication. Here are a few artists that have captivated my ear within the past few days but I am positively sure this list will continue to grow. The fact that these are legends of a former era leave me wondering what all I have been missing??

Blossom Dearie
Ray Brown Trio
Red Garland
Sonny Stitt
Charlie Parker
Ella Fitzgerald
Beverly Kenney

Making a pact to rediscover the past and embrace something new...rather refreshingly old. Feel It.

Miss Me

I wanna ask if you miss me

but I'm scared to know why

is it my smile that captivates

and makes u look twice

or my eyes that mesmerize

and seem to always be filled with surprise

Could it be my brown sugar skin

that you say taste as sweet as it looks

or my hair that I can never get right

but seems to look perfect after a night of being pulled so tight

Do you miss my touch

the graze of my fingers lightly over your arm

or the caress that sounds a passionate alarm

my intense stare

when we both know I'm about to take you there

Yea...all that's nice

I'm glad that's how you feel

But I really need you to miss

something I find to be a little more real

like when I told you the story of my first real kiss

or the time when i had that game and everyone in the gym knew i couldn't miss

Or how each time i moved

I made a new best friend every year

Or when I left my favorite coach

was one of the few times I actually shed a tear

And the goofy smile I make

when you say something sweet

And the fact that I can never sleep with the covers on my feet

How about when I'm vibing on a song

and i want to explain all the lyrics

did you ever go back and listen

to try and understand why I really feel it

What are the subjects

that you know fascinate my mind

Or the reason I seem to have a passion

for the souls of mankind

Then how irritating I am

with my excited nasaled pitch

Or the two items of clothing

that would fill my closet if I were rich

Then those times that I remind you

How easily my feelings are hurt

Or how everyone knows

That I never learned how to flirt

I want you to miss

the moments time can't recreate

And the unique me

That's in the process of being reshaped

Not just the things I do

That give you pleasure

But if someone asked for details about me

You could honestly say--I know her

So once again

I really wanna ask if you miss me

Then again, its too late

Because I think you've already MISSED ME...

Introducing....

Introducing...Introducing...Me. Greetings and love to the wonderful, and sometimes not so wonderful, world of you and I. I come with feelings and thoughts, biases and preferences, and notions and inferences. I think it is easily assumed that I'm not at all close to a graphic designer. I'm not good at matching. I don't decorate nor do I even attempt to be artistically gifted through visual mediums. Unfortunately, and maybe fortunately, that is not Lena. But the things that I am--are undeniably present and are erupting from my most inner being to be shared. So this is my first step. Sharing 101.

Lets see...I am a writer. Not one in the sense of fictitious novels or lengthy informative articles, but as in one who seeks to share those things that seem to be inaudible. Please forgive the improper usage of the "theres, theirs, or they'res" for I never attempted to master the technicalities of the such. In other words, my grammar is terrible. Hopefully, through this method of sharing through an exhalation of words, I will be able to overcome that once hefty feat. Until then, please bare with me.

I am a listener. Your words enter my soul and penetrate the depths of who I am. My passion for people continues to keep me full with the world's laughter and tears. I am here to hear, thus I do. As this is the case, it is sometimes forgotten that I too have stories and emotions and fears that are followed by tears. So through this I create an open scribe to the audibly handicapped. Maybe you will hear me through the sound of your own voice.

I will write with purpose.
I will write with heart.
I will write but at times may forget where I have start.

This is Lena B. Monroe. Feel It.